1 00:00:05,744 --> 00:00:07,529 I'm simply saying that two hours 2 00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:10,010 is an exceptionally long time to spend on one's hair. 3 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:13,709 I mean, we so rarely get to attend a formal vampire event, 4 00:00:13,839 --> 00:00:15,232 and now we're very late. 5 00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:17,452 It wasn't just my hair, Charles. I had to bathe. 6 00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:19,323 By my count, that's the third one this month. 7 00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:20,803 How clean do you need to be? 8 00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,326 Uh, Charles? 9 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:23,980 CHARLES: My God. 10 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,373 What happened here? 11 00:00:25,503 --> 00:00:27,940 It was werewolves. 12 00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:30,160 You just missed them. 13 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:33,946 Oh. So, what do you think of my hair now, Charles? 14 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:36,558 - Lovely. Worth the wait. - Okay. 15 00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:40,910 To protect yourselves from future attacks, 16 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:44,696 you must find... [wheezes] 17 00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:48,526 ...the Wolfsbane Chalice. 18 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,789 - [exhales] - LIZ: Um, 19 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,617 he's dead. 20 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,793 Anyone else in here clinging to life, 21 00:00:54,924 --> 00:00:58,145 know where or what the Wolfsbane Chalice is? 22 00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:00,799 Guess not. 23 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:03,672 ♪ ♪ 24 00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:09,156 LIZ: Okay, we are gonna leave it there for today. 25 00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:10,940 Please read chapter nine 26 00:01:11,027 --> 00:01:13,116 for next time, and no, I won't go 27 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:14,422 to the AEPi formal with you, Elliot. 28 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:15,858 Thank you. 29 00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:17,512 Dr. Geltzer, 30 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,644 to what do I owe this, uh, pleasure? 31 00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,255 Well, I just wanted to let you know 32 00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:24,084 that the department has met and, uh, well, 33 00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:27,087 you are being considered for full professorship. 34 00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:28,827 Seriously? 35 00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:30,742 - That's amazing. - Well, we all agree, it's just 36 00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:32,309 a joy to watch you teach. 37 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,181 I mean, the way you speak about Napoleonic France-- 38 00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:35,834 it's like you were there, you know? [laughs] 39 00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:38,315 Well, I wasn't. [laughs loudly] 40 00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:39,708 Yeah. 41 00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:43,059 So, do you have any big Halloween plans for tomorrow? 42 00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:44,843 Oh, yeah. You know, the kids, they asked us to drop them off 43 00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,236 at Cascadia Ridge, which is, like, 44 00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,542 this noted Halloween street. 45 00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:49,848 This is so funny. 46 00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,459 We live on Cascadia Ridge. 47 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,678 - Seriously? - You and your wife should stop by 48 00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:55,811 for a little drink while the kids are out trick-or-treating. 49 00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:56,986 It'll be so fun. We can hand out 50 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,467 - candy and soul cakes. - I'm sorry. 51 00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,295 Soul cakes? 52 00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:03,123 Yeah, you know. 53 00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:06,909 ♪ A soul cake, a soul cake, have mercy ♪ 54 00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:11,783 ♪ On all souls for a soul cake.♪ 55 00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:13,437 You've never heard the...? 56 00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,961 Okay, I will text you the address. 57 00:02:16,092 --> 00:02:17,789 MAX: Hey, so I couldn't help 58 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,269 but notice that we're the only house on the block 59 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,966 without any decorations, 60 00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,838 which feels kind of off-brand for a coven. 61 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:25,362 Yeah, we don't really celebrate Halloween. 62 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:27,234 CHARLES: The whole thing is just offensive. 63 00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,844 Bunch of idiots in plastic fangs, 64 00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,498 stumbling over their capes. 65 00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:33,240 Well, excuse me, my culture is not your costume. 66 00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,676 EMMA: The bigger issue 67 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:37,287 is that werewolves are emboldened on Halloween. 68 00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,681 'Cause they can assume their true form and blend in. 69 00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,335 Yeah. It's a dangerous night for vampires. 70 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:42,640 I mean, you could get your arm bitten off. 71 00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:44,338 And a lot of those sexy nurses 72 00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:46,731 walking around-- no medical training at all. 73 00:02:46,862 --> 00:02:48,559 That's why we do what, boys? 74 00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:51,475 Stay inside, we must remember, else our bodies are dismembered. 75 00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:55,479 - My guys. - So, has everyone heard the big news? 76 00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,786 Our little Mort's got a hot Halloween date tonight. 77 00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,440 - Ooh. - [Emma gasps] 78 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,659 They're gonna watch scary movies in the basement. 79 00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:03,487 - Ooh. - Okay. - Her name's Mackenzie. 80 00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:06,098 She's so cool. She's a sophomore, 81 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,276 - she drives. - Wow. Mort, she's so cute. 82 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,495 Wait. Is that the background photo of your phone? 83 00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:13,323 Seems like you're coming on a little strong. 84 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,064 JESSE: Yeah, buddy, you should probably change that. 85 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,110 It's a little creepy, and that's coming from an undead monster. 86 00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,939 - What? - It's a figure of speech. 87 00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:22,854 - Is it? - Yeah. - MAX: So, uh, 88 00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,726 - how'd you ask her out, Mort? - MORT: It was crazy. 89 00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:25,727 - She asked me out. - Oh. 90 00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:27,163 She walked over 91 00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:28,338 from the cool-kids table at lunch. 92 00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:30,122 - Wow. - [phone plays tune] 93 00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:31,863 Oh, it's her. I should get this. 94 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:33,517 [clears throat] 95 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:34,736 Hey, Mackenzie. 96 00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:36,564 You got this, buddy. 97 00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:39,219 So, do you know this Mackenzie girl, Henry? 98 00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,959 Yeah. Yeah, I do. 99 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,744 Everyone does. She's super popular. 100 00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,006 And she asked Mort out. 101 00:03:44,093 --> 00:03:45,616 - Yeah. She did. - Huh. 102 00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:47,314 EMMA: I hate to be the one to say this, 103 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,316 but are we sure it's a real date? 104 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:52,188 And not some mean bet, like a... like a She's All That situation? 105 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,103 Or she's using Mort to get to Henry. 106 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,018 PHYLLIS: What a month. First I get 107 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:58,934 the bubonic plague, and now, a mean girl is using my son 108 00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:01,110 as bait to land my other son. 109 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,113 Can I suggest another possibility? 110 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,464 Maybe this girl just sees the amazing person that is Mort. 111 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,164 Or he's paying her, like a Can't Buy Me Love scenario? 112 00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,079 - Mm-hmm, yeah. - Definitely, definitely. 113 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:16,386 - Yeah. - You're so right. It's gotta be that. 114 00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:17,909 [indistinct chatter] 115 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,998 Okay, I put a bunch of these out in the yard. 116 00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:22,131 Spooky, right? It's like a corpse hand, 117 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,828 clawing its way out of the ground. 118 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,352 That's not what they look like. 119 00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:26,570 Their flesh would be far more desiccated. 120 00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,093 Oh, but I suppose the good people 121 00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:30,182 at Party City know better. 122 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,794 - I think it's fun, Max. - Thank you, Liz. 123 00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,839 Uh, also, I put out a bowl of candy 124 00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:37,668 for people to help themselves, so we won't even have to deal 125 00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,453 - with trick-or-treaters, Charles. Okay? - Yeah, I suppose 126 00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:41,846 that's fine. Are you wearing cat ears, Liz? 127 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,022 What is going on? Why are we so suddenly 128 00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:45,415 in the Halloween spirit? 129 00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:46,938 I thought we were in agreement 130 00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:48,679 that we were the creepy lights-out house. 131 00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:52,030 Actually, Charles, we're hosting Dr. Geltzer and his wife 132 00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:54,206 - for a festive drink tonight. - Oh. 133 00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,818 Your department head? What? Why? 134 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,255 Because I'm up for a promotion. 135 00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,736 They're considering me for a full-time professorship. 136 00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:02,954 MAX: Oh, my God, that's amazing. 137 00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:04,652 Liz. High five. 138 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,436 Okay. 139 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,525 - Yes. - CHARLES: This is wonderful, but 140 00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,440 when were you planning on telling me 141 00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,529 about us having guests that I need to entertain? 142 00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,662 [doorbell ringing] 143 00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:17,186 When it was too late for you to weasel your way out of it. 144 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,362 - Okay. - Please. 145 00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:21,843 This is a really big opportunity for me. 146 00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:24,759 So, just be nice? 147 00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,326 Okay. 148 00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,023 Thank you. 149 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,069 And who knows? 150 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,028 You might really like them. 151 00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:38,250 [with accent]: Good evening. 152 00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:40,992 - [with accent]: I vant to drink your vine. - [laughing] 153 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:43,430 [Glen and Susan laughing] 154 00:05:44,909 --> 00:05:48,086 Hey, what's going on? Talk to us, Henry. 155 00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:49,827 Mort's date is still a no-show. 156 00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,960 Damn it. Poor guy's going to be crushed. 157 00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:54,963 Guys, this is insane. Someone stole all the candy I left out. 158 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,139 - They even took the bowl. - JESSE: I'm sorry. We've got 159 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,576 bigger problems than someone taking your Tupperware, Max. 160 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,491 It wasn't Tupperware. It was this really cool old goblet 161 00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,101 that I found in the basement. 162 00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:04,407 It's glass, and the handle was this, 163 00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:06,801 like, silvery wolf's paw thing. 164 00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:08,455 Was the rim adorned with 16 rubies? 165 00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:11,022 Uh, I mean, there were some red stones on it. 166 00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:12,502 They were sort of ruby-like. 167 00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,025 - EMMA: Oh, my God. - JESSE: You put out 168 00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:16,419 the Wolfsbane Chalice as a Halloween decoration?! 169 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,682 - I-I what? - How could you be so foolish, Max? 170 00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,249 Well, I'm still learning about all this stuff. 171 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,469 What? What-what is the Wolfshead Chalice? 172 00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,688 The Wolfsbane Chalice, Max, is an ancient relic 173 00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,908 that protects our domicile from a werewolf incursion. 174 00:06:27,038 --> 00:06:29,084 JESSE: It being lost or stolen leaves us 175 00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:30,694 vulnerable to a werewolf attack, 176 00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,696 which, we don't have to explain to you-- 177 00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:34,742 or maybe we do-- there is a heightened risk of on Halloween. 178 00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:38,049 Okay. Uh, what does this mean? 179 00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,008 What it means is that we need to find the chalice 180 00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,923 before a werewolf discovers that it's missing. 181 00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,533 EMMA: Because if they do, we are 182 00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:44,882 in extreme danger. 183 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:46,449 MORT: Hey, guys. 184 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:48,843 Look who just showed up. It's Mackenzie. 185 00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,322 Hey, everyone. 186 00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:52,194 - She's a werewolf. - Rrr. 187 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,500 [Jesse whimpers] 188 00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:03,292 [eerie music playing on TV] 189 00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,167 You can move a little closer if you want. 190 00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:11,039 I won't bite. 191 00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:16,653 ♪ ♪ 192 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,744 What I want to know is how 193 00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,485 that little bitch even sussed out that Mort's a vampire. 194 00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:23,878 Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Little bitch"? 195 00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:25,401 She's technically a dog, Max. 196 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:26,707 It's their preferred vernacular. 197 00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,752 Guys, this is nuts. She's just a girl 198 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:32,190 wearing an admittedly very convincing Halloween costume. 199 00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:34,062 But if she's a werewolf, 200 00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:35,455 why hasn't she done anything yet? 201 00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,631 Werewolves rarely attack solo. 202 00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,067 She's probably a scout for the pack, 203 00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:40,677 sent to probe our defenses. 204 00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,549 I mean, I love my boy, but this is not adding up. 205 00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:45,639 Henry told me that Mackenzie dated the quarterback last year. 206 00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,031 - [sighs] - EMMA: Let's just kick her out. 207 00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:48,511 Better safe than sorry. 208 00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:50,426 Before we ruin Mort's date, is there any way 209 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:53,037 to find out for sure if this girl is a werewolf or not? 210 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:55,213 I mean, yes, there's the Lupinian Trials. 211 00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:56,650 JESSE: Yes. Yes. 212 00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:58,521 They're a series of ancient tests we could run 213 00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:01,002 to prove if someone is or is not a werewolf. 214 00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:04,440 Then isn't it at least worth trying to find out? For Mort? 215 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,095 Fine. Let's run the tests, 216 00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:08,575 and see how this bitch does. 217 00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,359 I feel like now maybe you're overusing it. 218 00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:12,056 Okay. 219 00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,450 So, tell us a little bit about you guys. 220 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,799 How long have you been married? 221 00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:17,322 GLEN: Well, let's see. 222 00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,934 [with accent]: We got married a-one, a-two, 223 00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,284 a-three years ago. 224 00:08:22,458 --> 00:08:24,808 Ah-ha-ha-ha! 225 00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,331 You know, 226 00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,898 because vampires love counting. 227 00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:30,422 Well, some do count, but, uh, it's not out of love. 228 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:33,295 It's a compulsion, a dark affliction. 229 00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:34,818 Would you guys like a snack? 230 00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,038 I could go bring out a cheese board? 231 00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,128 Oh. As long as it's nothing with garlic. 232 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,609 Okay, that garlic thing is just a ridiculous stereotype. 233 00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:45,481 Of vampires? They're not real. 234 00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:47,701 LIZ: Charles, you know how important this is to me. 235 00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:49,485 Just smile and nod. 236 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:50,747 CHARLES: These two. They're no better 237 00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,488 than a couple of Prussians. 238 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:55,099 LIZ: Please. This will all be over in one hour. 239 00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,536 What's going on? 240 00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,668 Uh... I don't know. 241 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,628 Is the cheese board not happening? 242 00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,500 Sorry to, uh, interrupt. 243 00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,807 - Um, no, that's okay. What's up? - Oh. 244 00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:08,983 It's just, you guys have been sitting for a while. 245 00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:10,288 Thought you might want to, uh... 246 00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:13,161 [whistling] 247 00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:15,424 ...go for a walk? 248 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,208 Um... no. We're-we're good. 249 00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,646 That-That's one of the tests? What are you writing down? 250 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,299 "Subject's ears slightly perked up." 251 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:24,346 - Seriously? - JESSE: Okay. Not a problem. 252 00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,696 - Heads up! Ooh. - EMMA: Ooh. 253 00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:28,959 - Interesting. - Yeah. 254 00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,744 - Going in. - JESSE: Okay. Yeah, yeah. - MORT: Hey, 255 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,572 I really appreciate you guys coming down here, 256 00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:34,748 - but we're just trying to watch the movie. - JESSE: Totally. 257 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,358 - We'll get out of your hair. - Yeah, speaking of hair, 258 00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,273 Mackenzie, that is such a great costume. 259 00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,754 - Do you mind if I just...? - Ow! What the hell?! 260 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,190 Can you guys get out of here? 261 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,584 Yeah, sorry. Go. Go, go, go, go, go. 262 00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:47,064 Did you hear that yelp? 263 00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:48,805 Oh, I heard it. Very lupine. 264 00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,546 We need to do something. 265 00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,679 Agreed. The coven is in danger. We must act. 266 00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,463 Okay, guys, again, if you're wrong, 267 00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,421 Mort is never going to forgive you. 268 00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:57,988 Is-is there anything else we can do 269 00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,294 besides kicking Mort's date out of the house? 270 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:00,948 We could put the cone on her. 271 00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,906 That still won't stop her from alerting the pack. 272 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:05,387 Yeah, you're right. That's the only problem with that idea. 273 00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:08,129 - Or we could tell my dad. - What? 274 00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,479 He's the head of our coven. We could seek his counsel. 275 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,263 Alert him to the fact that you put out 276 00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:14,483 the Wolfsbane Chalice as a vessel to distribute 277 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,354 Fun Sized Butterfingers. 278 00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,269 [sighs] 279 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,184 Yeah, okay. 280 00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,360 Let's kick her out. 281 00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:25,842 So, Charles, you might be interested to know 282 00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,409 that Glen is actually working on a book 283 00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:29,019 - about the Seven Years' War. - Mm. 284 00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:31,021 And that his thesis is 285 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,284 that the Prussians were to blame. 286 00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:36,244 Oh. You're a... disdainer of the Prussian people? 287 00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:39,116 Well, it may have been fair to say that in the past, 288 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:42,250 but my research has taken a bit of a turn of late. 289 00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:43,947 - Oh, God. - See, having delved 290 00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,167 deeper into the topic, it is now my contention 291 00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:49,649 that the Prussian empire has been unfairly maligned. 292 00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,521 Oh, really? How so? 293 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,436 Well, take Frederick the Great, for instance. 294 00:10:54,566 --> 00:10:56,351 One of history's unsung heroes. 295 00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:57,831 Fred? Little Fred? 296 00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,223 LIZ: We don't need to keep talking 297 00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,398 about hot-button topics 298 00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,096 like Frederick the Great. 299 00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,707 "The Great." It was sarcastic. 300 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,448 The air quotes didn't show up in the history books. 301 00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:09,190 I'm sorry. Where are you getting your information? 302 00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,845 Everyone knows the Prussians were absolutely responsible 303 00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,542 for the Seven Years' War. 304 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,110 Not only that, they reeked deeply of cabbage. 305 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,981 GLEN: Okay, I don't know what strange 306 00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:19,504 Reddit holes you've been down, 307 00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,028 but I think I know what I'm talking about. 308 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,856 Oh, you do, do you? Well, you weren't even there. 309 00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,641 - What? - What he means is, you weren't there, 310 00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,687 we weren't there, nobody was there. 311 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,427 Right? More Manchego? 312 00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:32,604 - Maybe we should go. - I think that might be best. 313 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:33,997 If you'll excuse us, vee vould like 314 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:36,391 to be formally invited to leave. 315 00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:38,741 - That's not a thing! - [sighs] 316 00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:40,482 MORT: I can't believe you guys! 317 00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,963 Why did you just kick Mackenzie out of our house? 318 00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:44,704 And Emma, why did you spray her with a water bottle? 319 00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:46,749 Listen, buddy, it seems likely 320 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,098 Mackenzie was an actual werewolf. 321 00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,883 Now, I know what you're thinking. 322 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,449 How did she get in here while we're under the protection 323 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,843 - of the Wolfsbane Chalice? - PHYLLIS: Oh, hey, guys. 324 00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:57,020 Just grabbing some more brandy for my sangria. 325 00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:00,154 Babe, where did you get that cup? 326 00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:01,982 Oh, this thing? 327 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,288 I found it outside. It had candy in it, 328 00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:06,377 but I thought it would be perfect for my costume. 329 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:09,119 And you were here in the house this whole time? 330 00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:12,253 Yep, just drinking alone in my bedroom. 331 00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:13,515 Well, not alone. 332 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,256 I was playing Halloween Zoom mah-jongg 333 00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,649 with the Panera crew. [clicks tongue] 334 00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:21,088 Woo-hoo! Anyway, back to it. 335 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,611 That was the Wolfsbane Chalice, right? 336 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,613 So, if Phyllis had the chalice, 337 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,136 and she was here all night... 338 00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:28,660 It means the domicile was under its protection. 339 00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,663 Therefore, Mort's date could not have been a werewolf. 340 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,757 Well, that's good news, buddy. 341 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,410 She seems great. 342 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,243 So let me get this straight. You guys thought 343 00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:48,593 it was more likely that Mackenzie was an actual werewolf 344 00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:51,248 than just a girl who liked me? 345 00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:53,729 It's just, like, the costume was really realistic. 346 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,470 Her dad's a costume designer. 347 00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:56,993 He worked for Lucasfilm. 348 00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:58,168 Oh, my God. That's actually really cool. 349 00:12:58,299 --> 00:12:59,822 MORT: It is! She's really cool! 350 00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,998 And she liked me, and you guys ruined it. 351 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,131 I'm so sorry, son. 352 00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:06,960 Well, that's not going to get her back, is it? 353 00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,789 Mort? 354 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:13,270 I mean, I did say I didn't think she was a werewolf. 355 00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:16,056 Yeah. Sorry. 356 00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:20,451 Oh, that's sort of fun, washing dishes. 357 00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:22,366 Ah, we don't get to do that very often. 358 00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,020 Charles, I don't really want to be around you right now. 359 00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:25,456 Oh, Liz. 360 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,807 One hour. That's all I asked of you. 361 00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:30,157 You couldn't just suck it up, play nice. 362 00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,681 I mean, I tried, but that man was insufferable. 363 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,726 - You are insufferable. - [sighs] 364 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,990 - All you ever care about is yourself. - Okay. 365 00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:40,036 How about just sacrificing for me for once? 366 00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:43,126 Oh, come on. So what if you get a promotion? 367 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,476 - [scoffs] - I'm sorry, but we'll just have to move 368 00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,174 in a few years, like we always do. 369 00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,872 And then you'll get another job, and we'll move again. 370 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,918 And eventually, we'll see the sun explode. 371 00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:54,790 And I don't know what will happen after that. 372 00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:58,315 We'll just be floating about in a big void, I suppose, 373 00:13:58,489 --> 00:13:59,708 which is... 374 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,058 It's honestly sort of terrifying. 375 00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:04,844 So that's why you acted like that? 376 00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:06,628 Because none of this matters? 377 00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,457 Because my promotion doesn't matter? 378 00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:12,416 I'm just saying, in a big-void scenario... 379 00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:14,941 Well, it matters to me, Charles. 380 00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,205 That should be enough. 381 00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:20,033 Wait. 382 00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:21,208 I... 383 00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:23,601 Liz? Liz? 384 00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:27,649 Remember, any of these trick-or-treaters 385 00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:28,911 could be werewolves in disguise. 386 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,782 We have to stay vigilant. 387 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:33,220 You know, not that Mort's love life isn't very important to me, 388 00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:35,483 but maybe we should just do this tomorrow, or really, 389 00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,963 any other night that we're not at a heightened risk 390 00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,529 for dismemberment? 391 00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,444 No. We have to speak with Mackenzie tonight. 392 00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:41,968 First thing tomorrow, she's going to go to school 393 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,708 and tell all her friends what happened. 394 00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,014 And they're going to tell their friends. 395 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,886 Next thing you know, Mort's gonna be a pariah, 396 00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,452 like we thought he was initially. 397 00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:53,153 [animal howling] 398 00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:54,763 Why didn't we just bring the chalice? 399 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,330 Unfortunately, it's strictly for domiciles. 400 00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,940 - You can't roam with it. - [laughs] 401 00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:00,464 Bro thinks it's a Wolfsbane to-go mug. 402 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:05,643 - Just hear us out. - Mom! 403 00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:07,602 Look, all we wanted to say was... 404 00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,909 Gotcha. 405 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:12,041 - What? - JESSE: The keys, 406 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,521 the tennis ball. 407 00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:14,957 We were just messing with you. 408 00:15:15,088 --> 00:15:16,263 You know, 'cause of the costume. 409 00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,221 MAX: It's a classic Halloween trick. 410 00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,832 Most people do treats, but we're just kind of random like that. 411 00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:21,964 - No, no! - JESSE: Mackenzie, 412 00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,487 please don't hold this against Mort. 413 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,402 He had nothing to do with it. 414 00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,970 - And we know it went too far. - EMMA: Yeah, I never should have 415 00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:30,712 threatened you with a spray bottle, or called you a bitch. 416 00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:32,888 - You called me a bitch? - No. 417 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,324 - Can you guys please leave? - MAX: Yeah. Sorry. 418 00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:35,847 We're going. 419 00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,849 [animals howling] 420 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,634 Actually, uh, can we... can we just come in, 421 00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,375 uh, until, like, dawn? 422 00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:43,638 Oh, my God. Get out of here. 423 00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:46,162 - GLEN: Oh! Let us in, please! - [knocking] 424 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,990 - GLEN: Oh. - LIZ: Hi. 425 00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,992 - GLEN: Oh. - [Susan whimpers] 426 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,168 LIZ: Oh, my goodness. 427 00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,735 Are you guys okay? 428 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,955 - What happened? - [coughs] I-I'm not sure. 429 00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:59,132 There was a... a bat chasing us for blocks. 430 00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:00,829 We couldn't get rid of it. 431 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,874 It's almost like it funneled us right to your door. 432 00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:06,182 - A bat? How strange. - And then Susan whacked it with her purse. 433 00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:09,229 And then, it ricocheted off a lamppost and landed in a bush. 434 00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,708 But then it just kept coming. 435 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,493 Hey. 436 00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:15,409 You guys are back. What a... what a pleasant surprise. 437 00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:19,152 Um, perhaps we could give this evening another try. 438 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,849 - LIZ: Mm-hmm. - Uh... 439 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,198 you know, it is kind of late, 440 00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:24,374 and I'm sure the bat is, uh, probably gone by now. 441 00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:26,028 Yeah, we-we should go. 442 00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:28,770 Uh, but before you do, I really need to apologize. 443 00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:31,860 Um, Glen I read some of your academic publishings online. 444 00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,862 They were erudite and well-reasoned. 445 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,213 And they convinced me that the Prussians were indeed 446 00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:39,172 a wonderful people. 447 00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,870 GLEN: Wow. Thank you. I mean, 448 00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,438 - it's so big of you to say that. - CHARLES: Yeah, for instance, 449 00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:47,571 they invented having to fill out forms for everything, 450 00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:49,530 which was... cool. 451 00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,575 LIZ: And, uh, Frederick the Great? 452 00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:53,229 Oh, he was... awesome. 453 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,362 And his subjects smelled... 454 00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:56,667 so normal. 455 00:16:56,798 --> 00:16:58,887 Well, I, for one, admire a person 456 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,802 who can admit when they're wrong. 457 00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:02,195 And so... 458 00:17:02,282 --> 00:17:04,806 - [with accent]: vee vill stay. - [laughs] 459 00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,242 - Oh. - Vunderful. 460 00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:08,157 [laughing]: Oh, nice. 461 00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:10,203 Close. It's a little deeper in the throat. 462 00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:11,595 - Is it? - GLEN: Right, and the laugh. 463 00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:13,945 The laugh's really what sells it, so... 464 00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:18,776 Ah. 465 00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,518 Ah-ha-ha-ha. 466 00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,172 GLEN: Hey! 467 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,391 - There it is. [laughs] - Ah! [laughs] 468 00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:25,827 SUSAN: Bravo. 469 00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,395 Look, here's the good news. 470 00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:30,092 I mean, we move cities every four or five years, 471 00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:31,615 so the humiliation-- 472 00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:33,313 it really has an end date. 473 00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,184 Cool. That's helpful. 474 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,707 [knocking] 475 00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:39,145 Hey, buddy. Can we come in? 476 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,711 Why? You guys already apologized 477 00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:42,757 - for chasing Mackenzie out of here. - EMMA: Yeah. 478 00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:44,150 Unfortunately, we have a new 479 00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:46,413 Mackenzie-related offense to apologize for. 480 00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:49,155 Uh, we went over to her house to explain our actions. 481 00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,592 We had this, honestly, like, kind of clever explanation 482 00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:53,507 about how we were doing a trick instead of a treat. 483 00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,074 Mm-hmm. But it didn't work, 484 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,510 and possibly inflamed the situation even more. 485 00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,947 Wait. You guys went to Mackenzie's house? 486 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,689 Yeah. We know, we blew it. 487 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,300 You guys went out on Halloween? 488 00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:07,173 The most dangerous night for vampires to venture out 489 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,436 and risked possible dismemberment... 490 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,220 for me? 491 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,788 Yeah, we felt terrible for ruining your date. 492 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,659 We never should have doubted you, son. 493 00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,748 And I know this feels bad right now. 494 00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:19,620 But someone else is going to come along, 495 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,883 because you are an incredible guy. 496 00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:25,104 - Thanks, Dad. - All right, buddy. 497 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,715 [phone chimes] 498 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,238 Oh, hey, it's Mackenzie. 499 00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:31,501 - She wants to hang out again. - Dude, 500 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:33,808 - hell yeah. - That's great, Mort. - MAX: Wait. 501 00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,244 - So our apology actually worked? - MORT: No. 502 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,681 But she says her family is really weird, too, 503 00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:39,118 so she gets it. 504 00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:41,250 Yeah, I mean I guess we did act pretty weird, 505 00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:42,947 doing all those werewolf tests on her. 506 00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:44,471 [laughing]: Yeah, we were. 507 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,081 No, she doesn't really care about that. 508 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:47,996 These are more observations about you guys. 509 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,217 - Like what? - Okay. Again, 510 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:52,392 these aren't meant for you to hear, but... 511 00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,045 Yeah, we can take it. 512 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,917 She's kind of ragging on your car, Dad. 513 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,919 The Challenger? It's badass. 514 00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,748 Uh, she says it's douchey. 515 00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:03,272 "It's giving desperate, aging frat boy trying to stay young." 516 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:04,795 I am young. 517 00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,145 I am forever young. 518 00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,843 Ooh, that's brutal. [laughs] 519 00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:10,627 MORT: And Emma, 520 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,934 she says your whole "avoidant, detached, cool girl facade, 521 00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:15,023 "combined with Max's needy puppy-dog energy, 522 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,155 is a recipe for disaster." 523 00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:17,765 She gives you three months, tops. 524 00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:19,984 - Ooh. - MORT: Yeah. 525 00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,161 - It's kind of a twofer. - It's efficient. 526 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,988 Also, Emma, she thinks you walk weird. 527 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:25,816 Anyway, I'm going to go grab a snack. 528 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,384 Thanks for doing this for me, guys. It means a lot. 529 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,518 - [phone chimes] - [Mort laughs] 530 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:34,477 Damn. She is not letting up on your weird walk. 531 00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,566 That girl is mean. 532 00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:38,481 I feel emotionally dismembered. 533 00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:45,619 Who does that Mackenzie girl think she is, 534 00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,403 - questioning our relationship? - Yeah. 535 00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,970 We're definitely gonna last longer than three months. 536 00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:50,363 She doesn't get it. 537 00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:52,191 We're going to be dating so long, 538 00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:53,931 we're going to show up at her deathbed holding hands. 539 00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,195 Oh. And then she'll be like, "I was so wrong about Max and Emma. 540 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:57,761 Also, why haven't they aged?" 541 00:19:57,892 --> 00:19:59,937 [both laugh softly] 542 00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:01,417 She walks weird. 543 00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:03,767 Oh, so clompy, right? 544 00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:06,770 - Oh. [gasps] - I believe these are yours. 545 00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:08,381 Oh, Charles. 546 00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:10,296 - Last night was incredible. - Mm. 547 00:20:10,383 --> 00:20:13,037 So now it's birthdays and holidays? 548 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,126 - Holiday. - I'll take it. 549 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,650 Aah. 550 00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:19,043 My head is pounding. 551 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,959 Those Halloween Zoom mah-jongg Panera gals 552 00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,613 can really get after it. 553 00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,049 - That's wonderful, Phyllis. - [Liz clears throat] 554 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,790 PHYLLIS: Oh, shoot. The sangria cup 555 00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:28,139 was not dishwasher-safe. 556 00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:29,663 [Liz gasps] 557 00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:31,447 - Dear God. - Is that the...? 558 00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,014 - CHARLES: Oh. - PHYLLIS: Oh, don't worry. 559 00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:35,451 I can get one just as good at Party City. 560 00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,540 And it'll be on sale now after the holiday. 561 00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,020 Win, win, win. 562 00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,370 - CHARLES: Oh! Okay. - Oh. 563 00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,378 Captioning sponsored by CBS 564 00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:52,642 Captioned by Media Access Group